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The morally instructive determinings of PROFESSOR THAUMUS PHAMBLEMELL
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A CORRESPONDENT WRITES: Following exhaustive consideration of our tentacly strategem, my colleagues and I were discommoded by the foxing of our invasion of the BRITON'S PLANET through our entire army dropping dead of the common cold. Is it acceptable that a meddlesome microbe be responsible for defeating a well-thought-out scheme?
PROFESSOR PHAMBLEMELL REPLIES: Yes. |
| is it acceptable? archive |
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Bill to Dissipate the Influence of the Criming-Criminal introduced by the Rt Hon Rthon Foabes (Whig), Member for Tidewell.
i. That ALL CRIME is committed by the chimney classes; thefore THE CHIMNEY ITSELF IS A CRIMINAL.
ii. To remove and destroy ALL CHIMNEYS from across Britain, replacing them as structural newelposts with the PAUPER'S YOUTH, thus ensuring gainful employment for the laggardly.
(Second reading.) |
| the bill before the house archive |
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The BRITON'S SCIENCE has shewn that The Weekly, the magazine which strives to maintain Britain's standards, has topped* one million readers since 1871.
"I'd like to thank my milkman for the two extra pints this morning," said MR MILLINGTON of this mathematically inevitable achievement.
MR NASH added: "Have you told MR MILLINGTON yet? He's staying in his private county."
* Though not, of course, in the sense of assassination. The Weekly has had cause to assassinate no more than a carriage's-worth of readers. |
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Sup from the issue broth with the random ladle. New issue every time, subject to blind unfavouring chance. |
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| A Boyish Pursuit |
| Hurrah! Hurray! Wizard! |
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Gosh, it's fun to burn things. |
| hurrah/bah archive |
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| This chap's purchased an OFFICIAL THE WEEKLY T-SHAPED SHIRT and now he's working off his shame at indulging in such wasteful extravagance. You too may display similar penitence, and perhaps press hot coins guiltily into the hands of a stooped clerk for a copy of MR MILLINGTON's improving books Things About Which My Girlfriend And I Have Argued, A Certain Chemistry and Love and Other Near-Death Experiences, by patronising the The Weekly Corner Shop corner shop. Items despatched under plain wrapper, school-boys will be chased from the premises with a broom. |
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Game: Five Steps to Doom.
Played chiefly in: West Runton.
Objective: A course is drawn along some arbitrary line of difficulty - say, a plank over a stream. Players must take five steps, each in a different style: the first hopping; the second backwards; the third with a mid-air twist; the fourth a regional variation; and the fifth on tiptoe. If the player takes a sixth step, they are ritually killed.
Obstacles: The temptation of taking that sixth step.
Rating: Underdeveloped. |
| heritage of games archive |
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